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LPC 11 Medley 1
(Ring) Hello, this is Nick. (echo effect) My name's Trinidad, I'm with UPS. Ok? And i've been trying to do a delivery here, uh, since Friday and no one's picked up, or answered the door bell. Your name's Trinidad? Yes. At UPS? Well, I, I'm here. This is on dry ice, and it's C.O.D. eighty-eight dollars and twenty-eight cents here today. (sound effects). Oh, I think you might have the wrong address. This is Harry? Or... Yeah, my name is Nick Harrington. There ya go! You have something that's on ice? It's Tasmanian Syrup, on dry ice. Weird. Yeah, I don't know anything about that. I hear that all the time. Ahh, so, uh, turn your stereo down, and I'll turn around and come back. Ok, well, I mean when are you gonna be here? I'm gonna be there when I get done eating lunch. (sound effects). And, so, I need a check prepared, or a money order. (sound effects). Yeah, no, no, this doesn't sound right to me. I didn't order any of this. I have no idea what you're talking about. You're Harry, right? No, I'm Nick. My last name is Harrington. Well there ya go. There I go, what? Look, I've been working here for months now. (Hang up sound) -- (Ring) Hello? (Sound effects through entire line) Heloooooo? This is UPS. What appears to be the trouble up here? Can you talk to me a little bit about this now? What is this background repeating? What is that background sound that I'm hearing? My background? Uhhhh, I'm a deliveryman, professional deliveryman. Uhh, been here for about three and a half months. And I've got a big tub of Tasmanian Syrup that you ordered that I need payment for. I need it today. Ok, well I didn't order that, so you gotta go in a different direction. What's your background? Who the? What?!? (hang up sound) - (Ring) Hey man, listen, stop calling me. I don't know what this syrup thing you're talking about is, but I have no interest in having syrup. Stop calling. This is Harry, I'm a supervisor here at UPS. Apparently you've had some trouble with our driver? What is your name, sir? Harry. I'm a supervisor here at United Parcel Service. Ok, uh, if you're a supervisor at UPS, can you give me a contact number there, that I could call to confirm that? Uh, who's the manager here, you or me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? I've been out of town for a week. I never ordered any fucking syrup. And I don't appreciate you calling me and telling me I have to have a check ready for you for something I didn't fucking order. Can I just ask you a question, sir? Tru... ...Sure. True or false, You're full of excuses? True or false? Because I uhhhhh... This is so weird. Your name is Terry and you work for UPS? Yes it is. Ok. Yeah. And, and, what location do you work for, please? (Sound effects) I'm a veteran. I mean I appreciate you being a veteran, but why don't you tell me what location you work for? Uh, I'm out of the Appalachian, uh, Division. (Echo effects) So why don't you step up to the plate, quit horsing around, and cut a check to our driver when he come back? Is this really how you call people, telling them this shit? If you work for UPS, you wouldn't talk to people like that...(dog barks in background and LPC sound effects are heard)...so this is just bullshit. I want you to put your dog away. I want you to turn your stereo off. And I want you to sit tight. I don't give a fuck what you want me to do. (Strange sound effects) (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Alright bro, come on over. Hello? Come over now, you, you, hello? I'm Jack Maniacky. I'm a district manager... I don't give a fuck... ...United Parcel Service ...I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You've called me five times now, with a different name every single time. If you want to come to my house, try stepping on my property. Come to my house, come on. I'm here. This is my first time calling you. I don't know what you're referring too. I,I,I don't give a fuck. I've had three different names given to me from UPS. I think you're full of shit, telling me about some Tasmanian Syrup. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. And then you're telling me I have to have a check up for you when you come to my house after finishing lunch? Come to my house, bro. Fucking come to my house. My name's Jack Maniacky. I'm not a driver, I'm a regional manager. I don't care. Do you understand that? What is your fucking problem here? You've got a surcharge. You've got a poor attitude, if you ask me. I've got a poor attitude? Really? Yeah. Stop calling me. Stop calling here... Our driver's been out there four times. What would you call it? I, I don't care. I didn't order this stuff. You do your job, I'm gonna do mine. Your driver's getting paid. Who lets a man get paid for driving around? I don't give a shit. I didn't order this fucking syrup. Stop calling me. I don't believe you, first of all. It doesn't matter if you believe me or not. I didn't order it. I see this kind of thing all the time. People change their mind, they bounce checks... ("bounce checks" repeats with sound effects). I've been out of town for a week. I don't even eat Tasmanian Syrup. I, I use real Vermont maple syrup, bro. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, stop calling me. Can I just ask you a question? Sure. True or False, you're full of excuses? True or False? Oh my gosh, dude. Stop calling me, that's it. I'm gonna report this to the police, alright? I'll send ya to Tasmania and you can go to the source on this stuff. What do you say to that? Cool, bring it to my house. Br, bring it. I'll bring it. I'll bring it to your chin bone, what do you think of that? (Sound effects). He said he's gonna bring it to my chin bone. Yeah. I think you're bananas, fella. I really do. That's fine, you can think I'm bananas all you want. I mean I don't really care if you want to come to my house and bring this fucking weird Tasmanian Syrup here. I don't care. Come to my house, bro. Well it's about time you start caring, because we're trying to do our job, here. (Sound effects persist through all of next line). I'm here. I don't know why you're still talking to me. I'm telling you I'm here right now. If you want to come to my house, I'll deny the package... I'm gonna whoop ya in the ass! I'm gonna whoop ya... You're gonna whoop me, huh? (laughs). Alright, well if you have a package to deliver here, I'll just deny it, and that person delivering it can continue to get paid. There's nothing to deny. You made the order, end of discussion. Okay, so bring it to my house then, if I did. Go ahead bring it, fine. Who's full of excuses, you or me? Oh my gosh dude, this is a waste of my time. I have to go about my day. You're wasting our time with these falsified orders that you're placing in Tasmania, or wherever else you go. (sigh) I just came into town last night from being away for a week. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I hear that every day, 'oh I was here, I was there. I was everywhere else.' But where you're supposed to be, is answering the doorbell. You feel me? (sound effects). No, I don't feel you, bro. I don't know who...you just sound like an ignorant, ignorant ass right now... Is that a matter of fact? ...who says he works for the United Postal Service. Who's ignorant? It's United PARCEL Service. Not Postal service. Ok, sure, United PARCEL Service. I don't give a fuck. I don't know what the fuck you want from me, but I have nothing to say to you. I'm not gonna pay you, I don't know you, I didn't order this product. Who's ignorant, me or you? Oh my gosh. You can't even remember three words. (Hang up sound) -- (Ring) Hello? Hi, this is, uh, Ricky. We’ve got a neighborhood coalition going, for… (Woman Laughs) What are you doing? We’re building a robotic arm, and we’re trying to raise some funds here. Okay, does the robotic arm give hand jobs? Uh, well it does about 440 words per minute on a keyboard. Uh huh. That’s a good place to start, I figured. So, can we count on ya for a pledge, here? (Sound effects). Oh, yeah, sure. Okay. (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Miss… Yes. Can we please put this together for the robotic arm? It types 440 words a minute. (Woman laughs) (Saxophone plays) That’s him playing. It’s just an example of what this thing can do. It can do anything you want. Anything I want? Okay. (Laughs). (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Yeah, I missed out on the credit card number there, miss. For the donation. Oh, okay, um, I’m gonna donate three boxes of cat shit, to your project. Uh, could you please be professional, ma’am? Oh, okay, yeah. That is very professional because I’ll even deliver it to you. Are you on board? (Saxophone plays through next line) Uh, I told you, I’m totally on board with three boxes of cat shit, and I will deliver it to you. Well that’s not needed, we’ll send a representative up ‘ere. You guys can dance, what do you think? (Sound effects) (Laughs) I think I got better shit to do, bye. I doubt it. (Hang up sound) -- (Ring) (Presumably Jeremy Piven) Hello? Hi, Jeremy? Yes. Hi, this is Bill Murray. How are ya? Bill! It’s good to hear your voice. Same here! I’m in Chicago, I have a place in California, I got your number from Matt Dillon, and I got a charity event coming up, and I wanted to invite you down… Well, Un, unfortunately this isn’t Bill, but I wish it was. Oh, I am. I wish I wasn’t sometimes, but, it’s uh, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. I have a giant boxing ring that I’ve built. It’s right off Mulholland Drive, and it’s me, you, Chris Elliot, and we just get in there, beat the hell out of each other, and raise some money… (Laughs) I think it’s a great idea man. You know, why don’t you pencil me in for the twelfth of never. Uh-huh. (Sound effects). We’ve also got Cyndi Lauper and Blythe Danner, they’re gonna get in there and just beat the hell out of each other, raise a few dollars. (Sound effects). Oh, that’s great. Hold, hold, hold one a second and then you’re gonna give me that minute and eighteen seconds back. (Hang up sound) -- (Ring) Cobrasides. Yeah man, you guys got any stencils up 'ere? This is your neighbor. We got a band, Tweak Deacon, and we're just tryin' to stencil it out. I don't, I..I..It's not ringing any bells, to be honest. Do you have like ten, fifteen dollars we can get somebody else to make a stencil for us? I'm not following this conversation at all, I'm sorry. Well, Tweak Deacon is our band. We're named after that one dude, he's all gacked out, but it's OK. It's a cool name, and it's too good not to be stenciled, so...I don't know what to doooo. (Sound effects). Do you maybe want to hear us for a second first? It’s like… (Drum beat starts). I don’t even know what the call is about. But you aren’t making any sense to me, and I’m really not interested. We’re really trying to put a stencil together. I don’t understand what you’re calling us for. We’re a music distributor. I don’t know what you mean by a stencil. We don’t make stencils. (Sound effects). We’re a new band. Let’s just come up there, and we’ll try to see what we can put together. Does that sound good? I’m not interested. I’m not following this story. I’m not interested. We’re a music distributor, we’re not a stencil maker. (Music plays into the next call) Tweak Deacon. Do you like the name at least? I, uh, is this a joke? I, I, I’m confused. (Hang up sound) -- (Ring, music continues playing to end of track) Crime desk, what can I do for you? Yes sir. This is Detective Flannigan, the San Clemente Police Department. Ah, what seems to be the trouble here, today? Let me get a trace on the number. On our number? What number you calling in on? I’m calling from the San Clemente Police Department. I don’t care! Wha, what’s the telephone number you’re calling me on? It, it’s uh, private line, sir. For the police department. Look! You can play all the fucking games you want, because you’re stupid. Because I’m a police news reporter, and all we do, we got the same thing as the Harbor Division. Your number’s calling in is 213-1170, so stick it! -- (End of track) Category:Special delivery